All in perspective...

Well, today began day one in my journey to menopause.  I know what you are thinking....menopause??  Well, a chemically enduced menopause in hopes of keeping the endometriosis gone forever.  I went for my first shot today.  Not as bad as I thought.  It was actually quite painless.  I was told that the symptoms will start in about a week or so.  I know I have been obsessing over this for quite sometime, but all of the events of this past week, really put things in perspective.  Yes, infertility sucks and all that goes along with it, but its not a death sentence.  Its not cancer, its not a doctor telling me that I have x number of months to live.  It is a condition that can be treated, and is NOT life threatening.  This week really help put that in perspective. 

It all began last week when I had the most challenging patient of my PT career.  A woman in her late 50's had 2 strokes after a simple medical procedure.  6 months later, she had another stroke, leaving her entire right side paralyzed and with a condition called global aphasia.  This means that she cannot express or understand what is being said to her.  She cannot voice her own needs or wants, and cannot understand what is going on around her.  In evaluating her, I witnessed her husband become so frustrated, that he once just walked away.  Imagine.  Waking up from a surgery and you cannot voice your wants or needs, cannot fully understand what is going on around you and have no control over your right arm or leg, let alone your bowel and bladder functions.  It broke me know that I couldn't do anything to comfort this woman, to let her know everything would be ok, and I that I was there to help and not to harm her.  When I finished, I just wanted to cry.  I had never felt so helpless in my life.  How quickly our lives can change.

The second blow was learning of the death of my "aunt" Yoli.  This woman suffered for over 30 years with MULTIPLE medical issues, but to meet her, would never know that she was sick and suffering.  She had an amazing zest for life.  She never met someone that she didn't make feel so loved and welcomed.  She could light up a room, and did with her laugh!!  To see her husband of 50 years completely breakdown today as they closed her coffin made me realize that that kind of love is what gets us through the ups and downs of life.  Knowing that he will never see his wife again, just broke my heart.

The final blow, was learning that one of my patients who suffered with leukemia and bone cancer, died, at the tender age of 28....28.  I had the opportunity to work with him on 2 occasions.  Learning about his past, and all that he has suffered with, I learned that if the cancer were to return, his mother said that he did not want to pursue any more treatments.  He was tired, and didn't want to fight through that anymore.  When I heard of his death on Friday, after hearing about my aunt, I realized how TRULY precious life is.  It is not to be taken for granted, and not to be lived lightly. 

I sat there realizing, this IF stuff is NOT the end of the world.  I have been blessed with an amazing husband, a wonderful family and friends that I can count on in the roughest of times.  I have a great career, great coworkers, and talents that the Lord has given me to carry out His work.  I am so blessed!  and no, we may not be blessed with children, but that doesnt mean that all of the other blessings in my life will not fill that void.  I know that this is temporary.  I know that this "menopause" is just a small obstacle that the Lord has put in my path, knowing that I cannot hurdle it without Him.  I will overcome infertility, we will have a child, and we will someday hold them in our arms.  But, for now, the Lord has other plans for Steve and me.  I am not sure what those plans are, but I will continue to trust and know that "He will not bring me to it, if He can't see me through it."

"For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay.      << Habakkuk 2:3 >>

She now rests in God's Kingdom

Today the world lost an amazing woman.  I am still in shock.  Yolanda Huron, left the world today, but boy, did she ever leave a mark!!  Yoli suffered with multiple illnesses all her life.  But to meet her, talk with her, you would never know.  I am still wondering why the Lord took such a beautiful woman, but I see that He needed her more than we needed her here.  I find some peace in knowing that she is no longer suffering, no longer dealing with doctors appts and medicines and injections.  But, it breaks my heart to see her husband, children and grandchildren mourn her death.  Their "Grammie" is gone.  She will never again have tea parties with her granddaughters, or cook her delicious puffy tacos, or drink for the infamous orange pitcher!!  So many memories will forever live in our hearts.  Yoli, we love you, we miss you.  Please watch over us and give everyone a BIG HUG for us up there.  We know that you are watching over us now, and will rest in God's Army of Angels!  God bless you!

High maintenance!!

A conversation between me and my husband while he is in the shower and I am in the bathroom getting things ready for the next day....

Steve:  Babe, we need to clean out some of these bottles in here. 
Me:  no, we don't, I use them all.
Steve:  what's this pink one for
Me:  that's my shampoo
Steve:  and this white bottle??
Me:  that's my conditioner
Steve:  ok, how about this bottle?
Me:  that's my shave lotion
Steve:  ok, this little bottle here....
Me: that's my make up remover
Steve: and this green bottle...
Me:  that's my face wash
Steve:  ok, and this little bottle?
Me:  that's my body wash.
Steve:  Damn, Babe, you use all of these??
Me:  Yeah....pretty fun being a woman, huh?
Steve:  I guess
Me:  you forgot to mention the razor that is up there also!

Hotflashes, mood swings, oh my!

Well, I got a call today from a mail order pharmacy company wanting to verify my insurance infomation for "a medication your doctor prescribed."  Why are they calling me??  I was told to call the doc, if we did not conceive on this cycle and to make sure I get ahold of him CD1-3 so that I could get the Lupron injection called in.  Well....apparently, these injections run $800 bucks a pop.  DAMN!  So, the doc was calling it in "just in case" to allow the insurance to be verified, etc, "because that can take weeks".  I really don't want to go through with these injections.  It is menopause, and I am only 30.  I shouldn't be experiencing menopause.  I am so scared.  The idea of injecting synthetic hormones does not sound fun, and the side effects sounds even worse.  I guess the good thing that came of this, is that the medications IS covered by my insurance, and my copayment is ONLY $25.  That is doable.  I know, I know, it is something that has to be done, but in my heart, I am keeping the faith of a small miracle occurring this month.  I will just keep praying, lifting up this situation to our Lord, and placing this in His hands.  He has never failed me, he has just really worked on my patience!  :)  So, here's to the 2ww.....*sigh*

Someday...

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.  I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.  I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.  I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.  I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I will prevail. I will succeed. I will win.  So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.  I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother
                                                                                                                                 --Author Unknown

Still in the woods...

Well, had my 2 week follow up with the doc.  Thank goodness he took my stitches out!  He gave me the low down... I had mild endometriosis and "peri-tubal" cysts, which he believes is embryonic tissue that was always there.  See, mom said I was supposed to a twin!  Well, for now, he is pleased, and so am I.  I am greatful that we have some answers, but then here's the kicker.  He said that with the endo, I have a chance of that coming back.  He feels that if we just go on the route we are on, there is a chance that in a year or so, he will have to go in again with another lap to remove the endo.  What the plan is, is that if I don't get pregnant this cycle, he is going to put me on Lupron.  This will send my body into "menopause" for 3 months, in hopes of keeping the hormones that endo thrives on down, and in the long run, beating this whole endo thing all together.  It sounds good, but here we go again.  I just am placing this all in God's hands (like I always have) and will trust that His will be done.  I just know that when I do get pregnant and Steve and I are holding our little one, it will be the most unbelievable experience and blessing in the world.  I will wait, I will be patient.  I can't say that I am  not frustrated, scared and tired of all that we have gone through, but I know that the reward, is so much greater than I can ever imagine.  So, lets just pray for a pregnancy, right??  I guess we better get busy.....!  :)