Dream a little dream....

Last night I had the most amazing dream.  I had a son.  A little boy, maybe 4-5 months old.  I held him, and all of the things that go along with a baby were present to me.  I held him in my arms, fed him, wrapped him up in his blanket.  It was all so real, his skin, his smile, his smell.  Ohhh, if I could have just stayed in that dream.  I remember seeing Steven take him and hold, and all the while in my dream, I kept saying to myself, "Chrsitina, you can't wake up."  In my dream, I remember telling Steven, "I can't wake up, because when I wake up, this all goes away."  I just remember trying so hard to "take it all in" because I knew I'd be waking up soon.  And I did.  Wake up.  And all of it went away.  My heart ached, and I got up and got my day going. 

It has been more than 3 years since we have started down this road, and I become more and more discouraged everyday.  I almost feel as if I am falling into a depression.  Is that possible?  Can infertility do that?  I always told myself I wouldn't let it beat me, but it is...its beating me, and winning.

LET GO!!

These two words do not sit well with me.  I am a control freak, Type A, Gold, personality.  I always have things under control, and I can always manage to have things work in my favor.  Boy, did God ever have a challenge for me.  Throughout this infertility journey, I have charted, calculated, predicted, analyzed, monitored every aspect of the month.  I have had complete control over things, to the point that it is driving my husband crazy with how obsessive I am becoming.  The other day I was in the guest room, just praying a relaxing after a crazy day and as I lay on the floor on my back, I look to the left and see a LEGO piece on the floor.  Now, there have been no children in the house, and if there are, they have never been toys upstairs in the guest room.   I hear ya, Lord....LET GO!!  So here it is.  Steve and I had a heart to heart this weekend, and we are going COLD TURKEY.  No planning, charting, obsessing.  We are letting go.  This is going to be so hard for me because I need to know, "did I ovulate, am I late, what's that weird pain in my abdomen, no, its now time yet...." and so on and so on.  But this is it.  I stand today placing IT ALL at my Lord's feet.  I have had the surgery, the endometriosis is gone, my body is getting back on track, and Steve and I are ready to tackle this again.  How do I feel, terrified....but terrified in the sense of letting go of this CONTROL, that I have held onto for the last 3 years.  This is not going to be easy, but I ask for prayers that I may be at peace with my decision, that I may be given patience, and that I learn how to trust someone other than myself.  It will be a work in progress, but I am ready.  Ready to LET GO, and LET GOD!

31 VERY blessed years

For some reason, birthday and new years are always a little depressing.  I guess I look back at the last year of my life, and can't help but see another year of IF stealing my dreams of becoming a mother.  But have to stop and look at the big picutre.  I have life.  I have made it to 31, and many before me have not.  I have been blessed with 2 wonderful parents who have made so many sacrifices for me to help me achieve my dreams of becoming a physical therapist.  I have been blessed with these talents to help heal people, and extend the healing ministry of Christ everyday.  Most of all, I have an amazing husband.  God knew what he was doing 8 years ago, when steven came into my life.  I tried to fight the urge to go out with him because I had to focus on school, but he was persistent, and now, I get to wake up with my best friend every morning.  I am so richly blessed.  Yeah, this whole IF thing is not exactly what I had in mind, but I have so much to be thankful for in these 31 years.  Sure, there is not a day that goes by where I don't feel cheated of becoming a mother, but I stop and look at all that I have, and know that those things fill this IF void.  I am angry, I am hurt, and feel deceived by my body, but He gave me this body, and I will hold Him to His promise.  As I embark on this new year of my life, I hope to look at things with the glass half full.  My husband has such a wonderful way of redirecting my outlook when I get overwhelmed and frustrated.  He is the perfect balance for me.  I don't know what the next year will bring, but I just want to live everyday to the fullest, be the best therapist I can be for my patients, and remember to tell those that are so special to me, "I love you!"  Life is too precious, and too short to let something like IF bring me down.  I will fight this, and I will win.

Bummer!

Well, Dr. G's office called today on my progesterone level....a big fat 0!  That sux!  That was as of CD 21.  Any chance I O'd the next day or that weekend??  I guess only time will tell.  Oh well.  As of today, I can't tell you what cycle day I am on, when my last AF was or when I should be getting AF.  Yeah, I know, the control freak in me has left the building.  I give it all up to you, and pray that Your will be done.  So, here's to no stressing, no calendars, no more test strips, planning.  We are just going to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride......

"Sometimes it's hard to conceive, With all that I've got, And all I've achieved,
What I want most before my time is gone, is to hear the words "I love you, Mom."
--Kellie Coffey

All systems go!

Well, had my follow up with Dr. Garza last week after 3 months of hell, aka, Depot Lupron.  The first thing that the doc asked me was, "if your husband still alive?"  Yeah, that bad.  But, its over.  It is behind us and we are ready to move on.  I opted to try things au naturale this month.  He did put me on Clomid to "jump start" things, so if I end up with twins, we'll blame Dr. Garza.  When he said he wanted to put me on MORE meds, I was so turned off.  I didn't go through this surgery and the injections for nothing, but after sitting in the blessed sacrament chapel and a great talk with my husband, I realized, this is where I needed to be.  Why go that far, and not follow up with the docs recommendations.  I guess I just wanted so much to just have a baby, not have to go through all of this for something that should come so naturally.  BUT, I feel so good about this month.  I am really not too stressed, and I am so sure that whatever the plans God has for me, they are for the best.  I will continue to be patient, because I know that my time is coming.  So, I told Steve to rest up....here we go......!

Home Stretch

Had my last injection 2 weeks ago.  I feel like I am on the home stretch, but this is the worst I have felt the whole 3 months.  The hot flashes have slowed down a bit, still get the night sweats, and the mood swings....well, don't ask my husband.  I feel more depressed than moody.  I just have no energy for anything or any desire to do anything.  I am trying so hard to keep up with my workouts, walk the dogs, just stay busy, but all I really want to do is stay in my pajamas all day and sleep.  That is not good.  I thought about calling the doc, but I know all he is going to do is prescribed an anti-depressant (that is what he tried to do when I had the insomnia the first month) and I am just so tired of popping pills.  I know that this is just the devil trying to butt in, but a part of me is so fearful that this is not going to work, and we are going to be right back at square one.  I am so tired.  I am really frustrated, and tired.  I pray that this is not in vain, that I will look back and say, "this was so worth it."  But until then, I will keep pushing through these mood swings, bouts of depression and oh, did I mention the 12 lbs I have gained because I am eating everything in sight.  ahhh, yes, I will beat this, I will get through this and I will look back and see how worthwhile this all was.  God is so good and I know that I have good things coming....

Half way there...

Well, I am about 1/2 way through this menopause journey and all I can say is, "this sux."  I really was not anticipating feeling this bad.  I am just exhausted all of the time, everything around me irritates me, I am crying one minute and laughing the next, and someone who used to always be cold is now having hot flashes regularly throughout the day.  I know, I know, it could be much worse, I just think that the worst part about this is how I just don't feel like myself.  Even my boss today came up to me and asked if I was ok, because she could just see that "you just don't look like yourself lately."  I don't feel like myself either.  Poor Steve is really taking the brunt of this right now.  I dump on him and really use him as my punching bag.  He is trying so hard to be patient, but I know that my moods wear on him, heck they wear on me.  I know this is temporary.  This is my Dark Night.  This is my suffering to bring me closer to Christ, and His plans always work for the best.  This past weekend was Mother's Day, and I really thought that I was going to have harder time dealing with Sunday, but I had such peace knowing that my time will come.  I am going through this suffering for some reason, and this want for a child is not coming easy for SOME reason.  I have yet to figure that out, and maybe I never will truly understand why Steve and I are having to go through this, but I know that this is His plan and His plan has never failed me.  I am just so tired of feeling like this.  I don't look forward to any social outings, or get togethers, because I would truly be content with just staying home and sleeping.  My appetite has been horrendous and it is so embarrassing how much I eat.  I have put on 8# in the past 6 weeks, and I am really feeling it.  I just feel so sluggish and am trying to stick to my workouts.  I just feel so out of sorts.  I just keep telling myself, "one more injection."  I go for that on May 28th and hopefully the month after that will go by quick.  I have several friends that have been just wonderful through this, and to you guys, I thank you!  You really see who your true friends are during difficult times.  I am so greatful for those wonderful women!!  Thank you ladies!!  Well, here we go...a month and a half left...we can do this....

All in perspective...

Well, today began day one in my journey to menopause.  I know what you are thinking....menopause??  Well, a chemically enduced menopause in hopes of keeping the endometriosis gone forever.  I went for my first shot today.  Not as bad as I thought.  It was actually quite painless.  I was told that the symptoms will start in about a week or so.  I know I have been obsessing over this for quite sometime, but all of the events of this past week, really put things in perspective.  Yes, infertility sucks and all that goes along with it, but its not a death sentence.  Its not cancer, its not a doctor telling me that I have x number of months to live.  It is a condition that can be treated, and is NOT life threatening.  This week really help put that in perspective. 

It all began last week when I had the most challenging patient of my PT career.  A woman in her late 50's had 2 strokes after a simple medical procedure.  6 months later, she had another stroke, leaving her entire right side paralyzed and with a condition called global aphasia.  This means that she cannot express or understand what is being said to her.  She cannot voice her own needs or wants, and cannot understand what is going on around her.  In evaluating her, I witnessed her husband become so frustrated, that he once just walked away.  Imagine.  Waking up from a surgery and you cannot voice your wants or needs, cannot fully understand what is going on around you and have no control over your right arm or leg, let alone your bowel and bladder functions.  It broke me know that I couldn't do anything to comfort this woman, to let her know everything would be ok, and I that I was there to help and not to harm her.  When I finished, I just wanted to cry.  I had never felt so helpless in my life.  How quickly our lives can change.

The second blow was learning of the death of my "aunt" Yoli.  This woman suffered for over 30 years with MULTIPLE medical issues, but to meet her, would never know that she was sick and suffering.  She had an amazing zest for life.  She never met someone that she didn't make feel so loved and welcomed.  She could light up a room, and did with her laugh!!  To see her husband of 50 years completely breakdown today as they closed her coffin made me realize that that kind of love is what gets us through the ups and downs of life.  Knowing that he will never see his wife again, just broke my heart.

The final blow, was learning that one of my patients who suffered with leukemia and bone cancer, died, at the tender age of 28....28.  I had the opportunity to work with him on 2 occasions.  Learning about his past, and all that he has suffered with, I learned that if the cancer were to return, his mother said that he did not want to pursue any more treatments.  He was tired, and didn't want to fight through that anymore.  When I heard of his death on Friday, after hearing about my aunt, I realized how TRULY precious life is.  It is not to be taken for granted, and not to be lived lightly. 

I sat there realizing, this IF stuff is NOT the end of the world.  I have been blessed with an amazing husband, a wonderful family and friends that I can count on in the roughest of times.  I have a great career, great coworkers, and talents that the Lord has given me to carry out His work.  I am so blessed!  and no, we may not be blessed with children, but that doesnt mean that all of the other blessings in my life will not fill that void.  I know that this is temporary.  I know that this "menopause" is just a small obstacle that the Lord has put in my path, knowing that I cannot hurdle it without Him.  I will overcome infertility, we will have a child, and we will someday hold them in our arms.  But, for now, the Lord has other plans for Steve and me.  I am not sure what those plans are, but I will continue to trust and know that "He will not bring me to it, if He can't see me through it."

"For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay.      << Habakkuk 2:3 >>

She now rests in God's Kingdom

Today the world lost an amazing woman.  I am still in shock.  Yolanda Huron, left the world today, but boy, did she ever leave a mark!!  Yoli suffered with multiple illnesses all her life.  But to meet her, talk with her, you would never know.  I am still wondering why the Lord took such a beautiful woman, but I see that He needed her more than we needed her here.  I find some peace in knowing that she is no longer suffering, no longer dealing with doctors appts and medicines and injections.  But, it breaks my heart to see her husband, children and grandchildren mourn her death.  Their "Grammie" is gone.  She will never again have tea parties with her granddaughters, or cook her delicious puffy tacos, or drink for the infamous orange pitcher!!  So many memories will forever live in our hearts.  Yoli, we love you, we miss you.  Please watch over us and give everyone a BIG HUG for us up there.  We know that you are watching over us now, and will rest in God's Army of Angels!  God bless you!

High maintenance!!

A conversation between me and my husband while he is in the shower and I am in the bathroom getting things ready for the next day....

Steve:  Babe, we need to clean out some of these bottles in here. 
Me:  no, we don't, I use them all.
Steve:  what's this pink one for
Me:  that's my shampoo
Steve:  and this white bottle??
Me:  that's my conditioner
Steve:  ok, how about this bottle?
Me:  that's my shave lotion
Steve:  ok, this little bottle here....
Me: that's my make up remover
Steve: and this green bottle...
Me:  that's my face wash
Steve:  ok, and this little bottle?
Me:  that's my body wash.
Steve:  Damn, Babe, you use all of these??
Me:  Yeah....pretty fun being a woman, huh?
Steve:  I guess
Me:  you forgot to mention the razor that is up there also!

Hotflashes, mood swings, oh my!

Well, I got a call today from a mail order pharmacy company wanting to verify my insurance infomation for "a medication your doctor prescribed."  Why are they calling me??  I was told to call the doc, if we did not conceive on this cycle and to make sure I get ahold of him CD1-3 so that I could get the Lupron injection called in.  Well....apparently, these injections run $800 bucks a pop.  DAMN!  So, the doc was calling it in "just in case" to allow the insurance to be verified, etc, "because that can take weeks".  I really don't want to go through with these injections.  It is menopause, and I am only 30.  I shouldn't be experiencing menopause.  I am so scared.  The idea of injecting synthetic hormones does not sound fun, and the side effects sounds even worse.  I guess the good thing that came of this, is that the medications IS covered by my insurance, and my copayment is ONLY $25.  That is doable.  I know, I know, it is something that has to be done, but in my heart, I am keeping the faith of a small miracle occurring this month.  I will just keep praying, lifting up this situation to our Lord, and placing this in His hands.  He has never failed me, he has just really worked on my patience!  :)  So, here's to the 2ww.....*sigh*

Someday...

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.  I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.  I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.  I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.  I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I will prevail. I will succeed. I will win.  So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.  I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother
                                                                                                                                 --Author Unknown

Still in the woods...

Well, had my 2 week follow up with the doc.  Thank goodness he took my stitches out!  He gave me the low down... I had mild endometriosis and "peri-tubal" cysts, which he believes is embryonic tissue that was always there.  See, mom said I was supposed to a twin!  Well, for now, he is pleased, and so am I.  I am greatful that we have some answers, but then here's the kicker.  He said that with the endo, I have a chance of that coming back.  He feels that if we just go on the route we are on, there is a chance that in a year or so, he will have to go in again with another lap to remove the endo.  What the plan is, is that if I don't get pregnant this cycle, he is going to put me on Lupron.  This will send my body into "menopause" for 3 months, in hopes of keeping the hormones that endo thrives on down, and in the long run, beating this whole endo thing all together.  It sounds good, but here we go again.  I just am placing this all in God's hands (like I always have) and will trust that His will be done.  I just know that when I do get pregnant and Steve and I are holding our little one, it will be the most unbelievable experience and blessing in the world.  I will wait, I will be patient.  I can't say that I am  not frustrated, scared and tired of all that we have gone through, but I know that the reward, is so much greater than I can ever imagine.  So, lets just pray for a pregnancy, right??  I guess we better get busy.....!  :)

One week out!

One week ago today I was in surgery.  What a week it has been.  That CO2 gas that they pump into your belly is crazy!  That is most uncomfortable of all.  Well, today has been a good day.  I am now able to stand upright, I can get out of the chair completely by myself, climb stairs with alternating pattern and get into/out of bed without any trouble, squat, get into the bottom cabinets and feel somewhat normal!  I am just so tired, and short of breath.  Today was a HUGE accomplishment, though.  I walked around the block for 20 minutes WITHOUT holding my stomach as if all of my intestines were going to fall out!!  WHOO HOO!!  Ok, it was a sub par pace, but hey, I did it!

A little background...

Well, I am starting this blog today, hoping that this will be the start of a wonderful journey for us. We have been trying to conceive for over 2 and 1/2 years. Over that time, I have watched numerous women become pregnant, gone to many baby showers and shared in my friends joy of welcoming a little blessing into their lives. I constantly asked myself, "why not me?" Why can't steve and I have that? We started TTC in August of 2007. After almost a year, we figured something wasn't right. My doc recommended a cryoablation, due to some abnormal cells on my cervix. Yeah, this should be the answer. That was 9/11/08. Then in December, he decided to run an SA and for me to do an HSG. Well, SA was "studly" and my HSG was "all clear." So what the heck?? We waited a few months, as recommended by the MD. He assured us, that after the HSG, most women get pregnant within 3 months. Well, still nothing. We went ahead and tried Clomid, even though I knew I was ovulating by my charts. 3 months of clomid and still no BFP, and all it left me with was a huge cyst the size of a walnut on my right ovary that became so uncomfortable, I couldn't even run at times. By July 2009, my OB/Gyn was stumped, and sent me to a RE, Dr. Garza. He ran numerous blood tests, had Steve do another SA (which was still considered studly!) and ran several ultrasounds. Still, everything was coming back normal. At this point, I was tired, I was frustrated, and ready to just take a break on things. Plus, I was set to direct the next women's ACTS retreat in Oct. I had to step away from the whole baby thing for awhile. We stepped away for about 5 months. It was kind of nice, but at the same time, still weighing on me pretty heavily. January 7, 2010, I followed up with my RE to decide what was next. I was relieved to see that him and I were on the same page. He suggested a laparascopic surgery to determine if I had endometriosis. That was it, we were set for February 18, 2010. Let me tell you, that month and a half wait was killer. I had the lap procedure and a hysteroscopy. That evening, after the surgery, I found out I did have mild endometriosis, and 2 "huge cysts" completely blocking both fallopian tubes. Alleluia!! Praise God! We finally have some answers. After 2 and 1/2 years of waiting, guessing, heartache, we have some answers. I am one week out of my surgery today. Of course a part of me is ecstatic and hopeful for what this year may bring. But, I have had some many dissappointments in the past, I am still a little hesitant and both Steve and I agree that we don't want to get too excited yet. If anything, this whole process has made me more reliant on God. I have had the wonderful opportunity of leading a Women's ACTS retreat, and that process and this this whole IF thing has brought me to a place in my life where I feel that I am absolutely ready to bring a child into this world. I am a better person for going through this, I will be so much more appreciative and greatful when our time does come. I have many blessings in my life, most of all my wonderful husband who has been with me through all of this and never let me forget how much he loves me! I am so blessed!